Relatively Harmless
Jenny Munday
Reprinted courtesy of the author.
Lilith is with her son, Ben, in the kitchen of her home, following the
funeral of her husband, who died after a long illness. Ben is writing
in a notebook. Lilith is always in constant motion – dancing. She
also carries a camera with her at all times and obsessively snaps
photos. During this monologue, the speed of her dancing and the
speed of her talking pick up as she goes along – until they are almost
in sync– this is the only time in the play that this happens.
LILITH:
(DANCING, ARRANGING FLOWERS, ARRANGING FOOD
ON PLATES, TAKING PICTURES.)
We have to make a list of all the dishes that everyone
brought and make sure that we get the right dishes back to
the right people.Why do people always bring food?
Who needs all this food? Who feels like eating anyway?
SHE SNAPS A PHOTO.
There’s no room for all of this food.Where are we going to
put it? Who’s going to return all of these damned dishes? I’ll
have to send thank you notes to everyone. Can you please
make sure you’ve got everyone written down properly?
BEN HOLDS THE NOTEBOOK UP SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT
HE’S BEEN WRITING – SHE TAKES A PICTURE OF IT.
Do you think his sisters thought the service was alright? And
that brother of his. Showing up late. He never came to see
him in the hospital. He only came to see him twice in the ten
years he was here – sitting in this house.What is wrong with
that family? Was everything Okay? Was there enough food?
Was the minister alright? Ben what were you talking about at
the end of the service? I couldn’t understand what you were
saying.Who was that guy who played? Where did Zoey find him? Why did she pick that song? And where is she?
Everybody’s been looking for her. Everybody wanted to talk
to her.Where has she disappeared to? Why does she always
pull that disappearing act anyway?
Dorothy Shephard asked me if I thought I could volunteer
for Meals on Wheels now that I would have more spare time.
She says they need drivers.And Alice asked me if I thought I
could volunteer at the Hospital now and Marion wants me to
start canvassing with her for Save the Children and Sal wants
me to volunteer at the stroke patients’recovery group every
Thursday.Was the house clean enough? I tried and tried to
get the stains out of the carpet. That damned carpet. I always
hated that damned thing.What good is a beige carpet? Every
single thing that’s spilled on it shows up forever, but he had
to buy that one – his pal could get it wholesale so whatever I
wanted to do in terms of decorating didn’t matter.
Everything had to match that damned carpet that just got
dirtier and dirtier every year and the drapes and all the
furniture – everything just got dingier and dingier as he sat
there twenty four hours a day smoking cigarette after cigarette – he went through two packs a day, Just sat there for ten
years smoking. The whole house stinks. The whole house is
stained yellow.What did people think? Nicotine stains and
smoke trapped everywhere. Did the funeral look cheap? Do
you think they thought I was cheap? Do you think I didn’t
…….Did they think the service was too Anglican? But what
else could I do - he wouldn’t go to church. He wouldn’t do
anything. I just went back to church to make sure he could
get buried, but he never would talk to the minister when he
came to the house – what could the minister talk about? He
never even got to know him. He only met him after…..He
offered to give him communion when he came to the house
but he wouldn’t do it. He said he was no damned Catholic
and nobody was going to give him the last
rights………………..Do you think everything was alright?
If only he hadn’t………if only we’d…………why didn’t we
ever……………why couldn’t he…………..why………
HER VOICE FADES OUT AS SHE DANCES HERSELF
OFFSTAGE.