13 Resistance was defined as the refusal to identify or attribute to parental depression any perceived impact on the self. This manifested in refusing to attribute any impact to parental depression, making intellectualized references, and/or minimizing any impact of parental depression on the respondent’s past or current life context:

This respondent had a persistently resistant perspective towards parental depression in all parts of the interview. He did not present a clear or coherent answer to the perceived impact of parental depression that suggested any impact beyond an allusion to some concern that his moods and behaviors might be similar to those of his depressed parent. The respondent was exceptionally articulate in all other parts of the interview, but his narrative lost coherence in discussions around the perceived impact of parental depression. This is the reason why his response was coded as Resistance. Within the context of the interview and the narrative quoted above, there was a fear of losing control and efforts to monitor his own moods. These statements, although indicative of some efforts at self- awareness, were nevertheless not narrated with clarity, and his perception remains unclear to the reader. There appears to be a fear of experiencing the parent’s illness because of the close relationship: a shared familial relationship seemed to imply a shared illness. The respondent did not differentiate between the parental illness and his individuality with respect to his relationship with his parents. This was interpreted as a focus on the self along with a reluctance to articulate any perceived impact of parental depression.

14 A similar narrative describing a lack of impact of parental depression was seen with another respondent:

When asked about the impact of parental depression on herself, the respondent did not identify any impact. She distanced and depersonalized the relationship by switching from referring to her mother as “she” to a depersonalized reference to “people with depression.” The respondent also equated her mother’s illness behaviors with normative mood shifts, by saying that her mother “kept it to herself.” Although these narratives cannot verify whether the respondent truly believed that there was no impact, the resistance to any perceived impact of parental depression is important in light of her own personal experience with depression and her belief (reported in another part of the interview) that her mother’s depression was caused by personal inadequacies in the respondent and her siblings. Given her own experience with depression, this respondent assumed responsibility for all her difficulties and for the origins of her mother’s symptoms, and completely “normalized” her mother’s moods and symptoms in the narrative.

15 This refusal to attribute to parental depression any impact on the self was also seen in a male respondent who had a personal history of depression. He was particularly hard to code because he was not very articulate in his interview:

In his narrative of the impact of parental depression, this respondent did not really answer the question. He did not refer to any impact of his mother’s depression. He referred instead to the perceived impact of his own depression. Despite being from a high-adversity family, he did not consider any long-term impact of parental depression on himself or any aspect of his life. This respondent’s attribution of the impact to himself is important to note and was similar to other respondents who had a personal experience with depression.

16 The negativity in references to the perceived impact of parental depression was expressed as a negative aspect of their life experiences. This included feeling disempowered and diffident in social interactions, feeling guilty, and feeling forced to grow up faster. The following is an example of this perceived negative impact of parental depression on the respondent’s confidence in social contexts. Referring to the impact of parental depression on himself, he says:

This is an example of a reported negative impact of parental depression on the self in a respondent who overall had an ambivalent perspective towards parental depression. He identified his frustration towards his mother as an inadequate parent by accusing her of not modeling appropriate behaviors in occupational and social realms. In addition, he attributed to maternal depression the negative consequence of poor homemaking. His narrative did leave room for future changes and insights when he referred to some unknown “deeper psychological impact” that was unidentified at present. This equivocation mirrors his overall ambivalence towards maternal depression, but the identified impact is entirely unflattering and embodies a purely negative impact of parental depression. Few respondents presented a purely negative narrative without adding some additional dimensions that reflected their self-perceived agency and development. This respondent also had an intensely difficult transition to college and continued to engage in some risky and self-defeating behaviors at 19 years. Few respondents in this study had such completely negative perceptions and his negativity set him apart from most of the other respondents from low-adversity families.

17 Many respondents described some positive aspects in addition to negative aspects in the perceived impact of parental depression. These positive and negative perceptions were sometimes held in unresolved conflict. Descriptions from two respondents illustrate this perspective. For the respondent quoted below, disempowerment was described in the loss of her individuality and her voice. However, the loss of voice was presented in the context of the desire to maintain harmony in the relationship. These conflicting perceptions of the impact of parental depression on herself remained unresolved for her at the time of the interview:

In the perceived impact of parental depression, the respondent offered an explanation for her dynamic in interpersonal relationships. She attributed her conflicting urges to her interactions with her depressed mother. Notably, the respondent described the impact in the present tense, as an ongoing struggle. She did not present it as a purely negative narrative about the impact of parental depression; rather, she presented a contradictory set of impulses. She “knows” that her behaviors were suppressing her voice and individuality, and yet this suppression of voice serveda purpose that had an emotional value to her. Choosing one or the other option involved a perceived loss: either of the relationship or of her voice. This particular excerpt might imply a purely negative experience, but in other parts of the interview the respondent reported having a very supportive and close relationship with her mother and it was the memories of when her mother) was angry that had impacted part of the respondent’s own reactions to people who got angry with her. The recurring use of "is" in her narrative indicates that the perception of the positive and negative aspects of the impact of parental depression is not yet resolved.

18 Another respondent described this suppression of anger but was less clear about how parental depression could have contributed to his behaviors. Ambivalence in this case was concordant with his overall perspective towards his mother and the perceived impact of parental depression:

In the narrative above, the respondent seemed unable to separate the impact of parental depression from his own personality characteristics and attributed concurrent positive and negative aspects to parental depression. He was not forthcoming about how parental depression affected him in certain relationships and yet identified the unresolved co- existence of being more empathic and yet somehow someone without a distinct and assertive voice. In this case, empathy and the ability to express anger were not perceived to be able to co-exist and the existence of one precluded the presence of the other.

19 Competing emotions were presented in numerous narratives. However, not all respondents held unresolved responses. Many who demonstrated the perspectives of acceptance and compassion narrated a sense of some resolution of the conflicting emotions.

20 Acceptance of the perceived impact involved acknowledgment of some form of disempowerment and loss due to parental depression, with a co-occurring narrative about self-created resolutions of that loss. There is an inherent resolution in the narrative despite references to negative effects of parental depression on the self. The reference is often made in the past tense, unlike negativity, resistance, and even ambivalence, which are often referred to in the present tense:

In the above narrative the respondent narrated a primarily negative impact of parental depression. Yet he narrated the negativity as an experience of the past, not a problem of the present. He “couldn’t” see what upset others; his relationship with his mother “made it harder.” The negativity was described as an experience of the past, his early years. The respondent’s current individuated voice then emerged in the latter part of the quotation. Here, he described the incongruence between his experiences with friends and his relationship with his mother. All the relational confusion was relegated to the past and was not described in the present tense. In this case, he was aware of some impact on his own life but was able to differentiate the experience with his mother from that with his friends, despite the disempowerment and loss of confidence in approaching people. This narrative is different from that of respondents for whom the negativity was a current unresolved issue, as seen in earlier examples of ambivalence. Typically, this assertion of impact as a feature of the past implied acceptance: that the perceived impact of parental depression was something that did not have an ongoing and/or immediate impact on the child’s life course. Overall, it was found that acceptance and compassion were perspectives that implied a successful integration of parental depression into the life stories of the respondents in a way that was not resistant, conflicted, or negative.

21 Another aspect of the theme of reconciling with loss was the recurring narrative of a “forced early maturation.” These respondents included references to losing their childhood because of having to care for siblings; being forced to care for themselves unlike their peers; and having to take on household responsibilities that were ordinarily considered the domain of parents. Narratives of early maturation were reported by the oldest sons in the sample, especially those from high- adversity families. Although many boys undertook responsibilities for their homes and siblings, sometimes unwillingly, their narratives also referred to a sense of competence and self-mastery as a result of the hastened maturation:

In the above narrative, the respondent clearly refers to a forced assumption of responsibilities that he was neither ready nor willing to take on. He then justified many of his subsequent actions as a consequence of feeling much older than his years. He did not bemoan the maturation. He considered himself as mature, as someone older than he in chronological years. The narrative is not entirely negative, despite the acknowledgment of loss. He revealed remnants of his earlier ambivalence and resentment when he corrected himself—“I did not really enjoy my childhood … I mean I did but I wish it could have lasted longer”—and then clarified further that it was not entirely lost, only that he wished it could have lasted longer. There is an expressed resolution of loss without denial, and a justification for the resulting self-confidence and sense of responsibility. Two other male respondents also attributed “growing up faster,” compared with peers, to their experience of parental depression. This differentiation of the self from peers was described as the product of severe depression in one or both parents.

22 Compassion as the perceived impact of parental depression manifested in references to being sensitive to others, being aware of others’ needs, and being caring, kind, and loving. These references often were hard to distinguish from resistance. Compassion as the perceived impact of parental depression, to the exclusion of all perspectives, was repeatedly seen in the interviews with the female respondents. One female respondent indicated no perceived negative impact of parental depression on herself, despite earlier negative references to the experience of parental depression:

These responses were entirely focused on the needs of others and were striking in the absence of any perceived negative impact on the self. The sensitization to others was also seen in two male respondents, but their overall narratives were resistant at all time points. Their sensitivity to others was an extension of their perspective towards their parents. However, for the girls, the sensitivity was not an extension of the resistance. Few girls held resistant perspectives towards parental depression and the perceived impact of parental depression was predominantly described in compassionate terms.

25 Three female respondents and three male respondents indicated no impact of parental depression on their lives, or minimized any significant impact. Unlike in the perspectives of ambivalence and acceptance, which were elaborate and nuanced, these responses were not as complex or detailed. Some made references to learning more about the illness of depression and one even indicated that it was a positive experience, because it facilitated his desire to be more independent. For many respondents in this study, the relationship with the parent was close and supportive despite the presence of parental illness. An interesting pattern seen in the data was that respondents with their own history of depression had more resistant and negative perspectives on the perceived impact of parental depression compared to respondents who did not have a recognized history of depression. The examples of resistance and negativity seen in the respondents with their own history of depression raised additional questions about the role of depression in families and how it impacted the child. The resistance was manifested in attributing difficulties arising from depression to the self, rather than the parent, or making distancing intellectualized statements such as: “I know about the symptoms of depression,” when asked about the perceived impact of depression. These responses are not complex narratives like the perspectives of ambivalence and acceptance, where respondents make multiple connections.

26 An added dimension was the co-existence of resistance and compassion in these narratives. For example, the same respondents would deny any impact of parental depression on themselves and yet go on to say that they were more aware of these symptoms in others. Similarly, when asked about the perceived impact of parental depression, three of the four respondents (with a personal history of depression) made references to the impact of their own depression, rather than that of their parent. Another way we distinguished this in the narrative was to compare how expressive the respondent was in other aspects of the interview and whether that contrasted with the narrative style for the specific question on the impact of parental depression. In the cases where we coded it as denial/minimization, the difference was stark. It is possible that it was an accurate depiction of the respondents’ perception, but it seemed unlikely because of the lack of any explanation of why they thought so and how different their response was compared to the long detailed answers they provided to other questions in the interview.These issues surrounding the perception of parental depression are uniquely colored by the respondents’ own experiences. The difficulty in separating the influence of parental depression from their own experience of the illness was seen in many narratives. This parallels Ochs and Capps’ (1996) assertion that narrative and self are inseparable because they are both born out of experience and also shaped by experience. Thus the absence of a personal narrative, either through distanced intellectualization or denial of any impact, is akin to denying the existence of a self impacted by parental depression.

27 The references to the negative impact of parental depression included parental inadequacy as role models, parental undermining of self-confidence, difficulties in social interactions, being forced to grow up before peers, eagerness to please others, and an inability to be assertive in interactions. This reference to negativity was presented as an ongoing issue rather than something that was resolved in any way. This temporal component of the narrative situates it as particularly relevant to children from families with depression. If the impact is negative and ongoing, then this has potential clinical significance. In addition, narratives help bring together the alienated and sometimes difficult aspects of a life story that might otherwise remain disconnected in the overall narrative (Ochs & Capps, 1996). Numerous studies have indicated that children of depressed mothers were more self-critical than other children and had difficulties with regulating emotion and social interaction (Downey & Coyne, 1990). However, the narratives in this study indicate that mostly boys, not girls, made references to such a negative impact on themselves. Only one of the eight girls identified a negative impact of parental depression on herself: the inability to be assertive in confrontations. Seven of the eight girls indicated that the impact of parental depression was either being sensitized to the needs of others experiencing low moods, or taking a more active role in helping their parents.

28 Another aspect to consider is the gender of the parent. In 14 of the 16 families, it was the mother who was the identified depressed patient. Sheeber, Davis, and Hops (2001) propose that daughters of depressed mothers are at additional risk as a function of greater familial and parent-child discord and poor maternal modeling. Alternatively, it is possible that the gender of the parent who is depressed might be impacting boys and girls differently. Petersen, Sarigiani, and Kennedy (1991) suggest that there is a steeling effect such that boys, compared with girls, are potentially less affected by family dynamics. The narratives in this analysis contradict this finding, as boys clearly describe many negative effects of family stressors. They also describe overcoming these stressors and gaining in maturity and self-mastery. The girls’ narratives do not present this negativity and also do not present much of a resolution, implying either that there is a differential impact or that there is no acknowledgment of any impact within the short period of analysis for this study. A related but underrepresented issue to consider is Luthar’s (1991) assertion of the unidentified “costs” or the toll that highly adverse or stressful life circumstances take on resilient adolescents. In a study comparing young adolescents with differing levels of exposure to stress, she found that even children who demonstrated high levels of resilient functioning had a higher incidence of anxiety and depression compared to those who had not experienced stress and adversity as children. This implies that stressful events took a toll on children, including those who appeared to be resilient and to be functioning well in school and in their peer and family relationships. Further study is needed, but it is possible that the negativity provides a window into some of the hidden burdens carried by otherwise high-functioning emerging adults.

29 A few respondents described the impact of parental depression in the form of two concurrent conflicting unresolved impulses. Examples included the desire to express anger but feeling unable to do so, or the desire to confront someone but being afraid of losing the relationship. Such conflicting perspectives reflected the ambivalence felt towards the parent. This is especially salient because these respondents otherwise referred to having very close relationships with their parents. This concurrent conflicting set of emotions mirrored the developmental challenge of emerging adulthood: trying to develop an autonomous identity while maintaining relatedness. Narrative engagement provided individuals in this context with a forum to elaborate on many facets of their existence, especially in regard to emotional experiences like those that may arise from parental impairment (Gilgun, 2005). Their perspectives might be unresolved, but emerging adulthood is associated with cognitive maturity, which in turn enables greater self-reflection and the ability to engage in complex forms of thinking, awareness of the subjectivity of individual perspectives (Labouvie-Vief, 2006), and the ability to articulate a coherent life story (Habermas & Bluck, 2000).

30 Ambivalence also highlights the complexity of relationships with a depressed parent, in that these relationships might not always be irreparably impaired (Puig-Antich et al., 1993) or perceived negatively (Kaslow, Rehm, Pollack, & Siegel, 1988; Stark, Humphrey, Crook, & Lewis, 1990), as indicated in the literature. The unresolved perspective holds together many difficult emotions, multiple perspectives, multiple narrative selves, and difficult emotions associated with parental depression. The articulated awareness of multiple aspects of the relationship, without resorting to simplistic representations like resistance or negativity, could also indicate an effort to engage in reflection and self- awareness. These multiple perspectives in the narratives are indicators of maturation (Hermans, 1996). In terms of narrative complexity the multiple selves are not yet ordered and integrated into a chronological sequence. Opportunities for retelling the story, integrating new insights and new experiences, as well as narrative interactions with parents and significant others that the emerging adults encounter might perhaps help create some resolution of this ambivalent narrative.

31 Acceptance of the impact of parental depression on the self included parallel narratives about loss and self-mastery. The negative impact of disempowerment included having to grow up faster, an early maturation, and difficulties in social interaction. As one male respondent said, “I might be 19 but I feel like I am 25.” The narratives of early maturation indicated a loss in the form of a shortened childhood or a faster road to maturity, compared with peers. In fact, the early maturation involved in being responsible around the house or for siblings was described in negative terms because it conflicted with what the participants viewed in the experiences of their peers from families without depression. The negativity, however, existed with reference to the past, not the present. In the present, the respondents described themselves as competent, responsible, and mature. Although their experience of childhood was different from that of their peers, their present was also different in terms of their perceived maturation. The narratives had none of the ambiguity of the other responses towards parental depression and these respondents were unquestionably affected by parental depression.

32 The act of narration engages participants in ongoing efforts to understand and incorporate new experiences and events into the story of their lives, to integrate and impose order on otherwise unconnected events from the past and present (Ochs & Capps, 1996). This gives new meaning to former understandings of the self, both as an individual and as a product of the larger family unit in which the individual is situated. The chronological placement of the impact was presented, as something of the past is especially relevant because it provides evidence of the potential for narrative to create order from disorder (Ochs & Capps, 1996), and as in many of the cases in this study, adverse experiences. Moreover, as Arnett (2000) and Dubas & Petersen (1996) argue, the very act of leaving the home promotes psychological growth and modifies the parent-child relationship to be that between two adults rather than between a child and an adult. This was most evident in this perspective of acceptance in the perceived impact of parental depression.

33 Many respondents described the impact of parental depression as having developed the ability to be aware of others’ moods, and becoming more caring and responsive to the needs of others. The sensitization to moods in both themselves and others was narrated by both boys and girls and was portrayed by some as a positive impact, not a negative impact, of parental depression. This perceived impact of parental depression is not portrayed often in the literature on families of children with depressed parents, as it focuses on the insecurities, low self-esteem, and other negative reactions to parental depression.

34 An interesting aspect of the sensitization to others was the similarity it bore to a resistance to any perceived impact of parental depression on the self. Compassion was very similar to resistance when any discussion of a negative impact on the self was excluded. Further study is needed to better understand this, but one similarity was the simplicity of the narratives in both compassion and resistance. There weren’t many explanations, extensive descriptions, or clarifications in either of these perspectives. One difference, however, was that in compassion, the respondents were able to separate the illness from the individual. In resistance, the respondents tended to combine the depression and the relationship into one and say that there was no impact. In compassion, however, the respondents were able to distinguish that the illness was a part of their parents’ life but not what defined them completely. Borland (1991) identified this issue in her examination of conflicting interpretations of oral narratives and the challenges of researcher-led analysis of oral narratives. It is possible that further follow- up interviews might shed light on this connection between compassion and resistance.

35 The focus on the sensitization to others to the exclusion of any negative impact was seen in the narratives of almost all the girls. Although both sons and daughters of depressed parents attributed a greater sensitization to parental depression, few girls expressed any negativity towards their parents with respect to their depression. In response to the perceived impact of parental depression, most of the narratives revolved around caretaking and sensitivity to the needs of others. Josselson (2004), in the case study of a patient, provided a complex, detailed, and coherent story about her life but it became clear to the therapist that it was a “forced story” that the respondent was regurgitating and it did not include any of her own perspectives or views. This might indicate a possible narrative that the girls have internalized as a socially desirable response to parental depression. Further study is needed to determine whether this indeed might be the underlying dynamic in the narratives from the girls in this study.